Dear Auntie

PICK of the week

As a recently called barrister specialising in criminal, family and attachment of earnings work, I am finding it hard making ends meet. I travel by public transport and only attach the collar to my shirt when I get to court. This saves on soap powder and starch. I stuff paper tissue into my right cuff in lieu of a silk handkerchief; tie my hair in a ponytail to save on hairdressing bills; survive on the excellent biros now available from Barclays Bank; and take notes of evidence on paper plucked from the courts’ waste-paper bins. Can you recommend any other economies I might effect? Percy Majestic, care of Hammersmith Bridge

Liquid Tippex to keep your collar looking fresh and, if very careful, you should be able to manage with the same pair of underpants for up to one week unless you have any not guilty pleas coming up. You might also consider begging during the luncheon adjournment and performing as a tribute artist in a public place. The latter could involve dressing up as the late Lord Denning and reciting the Old Herbert Bundy judgment.

I overstepped the mark in your last column (see NLJ, 11 January 2008, p 70) in relation to Uncle Julian and you rightly put me in my place. He’s yours and I apologise. But I do believe I have now found perfection in the form of a junior clerk in chambers who lives with his mother in Walthamstow. Although we have barely spoken, he flushes a little when handing me my briefs and offered me shortbread this morning. He is extremely handsome and there are only 19 years between us. Should I make the first move? Miss Melanie Lovelace, Cupid Chambers, WC2

Somehow I do not see you together by a nice coal fire over Salmond on Torts in a decade’s time. Get real girl, and hose yourself down.

I am a magistrates’ court refreshment bar attendant and sometimes appear as an extra on television soaps. As a result, my face is familiar to the public, or some sections of it. Therefore, I am nervous about serving on a crown court jury for which I have been summoned. I will be unable to enjoy the same anonymity as other jurors in more menial employment than me. However, my request to be excused jury service has been rejected which is most unfair. Can you be of any help to me? Miss Amanda Cruickshank-Fyffe, 18A Lantern Gardens, SW2. Available for speaking parts

Strictly, you do not qualify as a questioner but as your letter raises a matter of public importance, I will answer it. You clearly have no legal grounds for being excused and should rejoice in the opportunity to perform some public service beyond pouring out cups of coffee to burglars and batterers and engaging in silent animated conversation with a wall in the Rovers Return. You may even pick up a male juror or even an advocate during your service. Do ensure it is not a mere solicitor with higher advocacy rights at whom you wink, though. Barristers and solicitors are becoming increasingly difficult to tell apart and it is important to look out for an inferior internet wig and holes in the socks. So Miss Cruickshank-Fyffe: stand by; not too much milk with my coffee; beyond reasonable doubt; and…action.

I am a criminal law solicitor and have discovered that telling the beaks a good joke gets my clients a lighter sentence, if not a dismissal. Alas, my joke book has been stolen. I am distraught and lack the confidence to return to court without it. It would be too humiliating for me to make a public appeal for its return and, in any event, the best I could offer by way of reward would be an old copy of Stone’s Justices’ Manual and a tickling stick.What can I do? Name and address withheld

Are you having a laugh? No, perhaps you’re not. The book has obviously been stolen by a jealous competitor. You will need to find out whether they are in stitches at Hartlepool Magistrates’ Court or wherever, and whether the benches there are dismissing charges on no case submissions because they are too giggly to hear further evidence. That should lead you to the culprit. In the meantime, resume your advocacy with some new tackle. I would recommend reading out the new rates of remuneration for criminal advocates and a list of the increased court fees for civil proceedings.

I favour an evening walk near my rural home during which I can rehearse new legal submissions and jury speeches. However, I keep encountering the same regular walkers with their inane greetings and commentary on the weather. Before I can get into my stride, I am interrupted with a “Good evening” here and a “Hope it holds” there. By the time I get back I am lucky to have got beyond “May it please you”. Is there anything you can recommend? Digby Westbrook, Arundel

It is well known that evening walks should be reserved for practising resident’s association annual general meeting points of order when you can be sure that all folk, including professional ramblers and flashers, as well as ferocious dogs, will keep their distance. You should conduct your court rehearsals in front of a large mirror at home and be fully robed. It is wise to prevent charity callers from disturbing you by affixing a large “court in session” sign to the front door.

Am I prevented from increasing the charge for attending a deponent to swear an affidavit and to mark an exhibit from £5 and £2 respectively? These fees are an absolute disgrace and, to add salt into the wounds of commissioners for oaths, everybody at the local county court from the office cat downwards appears to be empowered by the judges to administer oaths these days though they can barely spell or write their names. For this service they charge not a penny and rob us of the opportunity to make a decent loss from this area of work. A country solicitor, Oxon

I think you will find that these prescribed fees cannot be exceeded. However, it would seem to me to be quite unobjectionable to organise a swearing package with more remunerative elements being reflected in the overall charge. For example, you might throw in with the swear: a reflexology from your secretary; and a cream tea, possibly served by Paul Burrell if and when available. Additionally, the client would be able to choose several minutes’ advice on any one of a variety of subjects such as making a will or obtaining a legal qualification while working for McDonald’s.