The usher casts a critical eye over judicial movements and wryly foxtrots into the New Year
Monday
Start of New Year and therefore excuse to look back at achievements (many and various) and setbacks (few and insignificant) in relation to improving usher’s lot. Feel that judges now under (my) control and court staff can safely be ignored. But one in my position cannot rest on laurels (whatever they may be). Understand that it is common practice at this time to make certain resolutions for the coming year, to which I have given careful thought. Clearly the battle against the service needs to be carried on or, as a book of quotations so thoughtfully given to me at Christmas by an anonymous admirer suggests: nil carborundum illegitimi—which I keep muttering to circuit judge Kevin, much to his obvious consternation.
Tuesday
Have been much influenced by a television programme I accidentally saw in which certain sporting and other personalities are forced to dance, resulting in cricketers, rugby players, sumo wrestlers etc winning trophies for their efforts—and all of them weeping to the
nation that it has been the most amazing time of their lives. Wonder whether same could apply to members of judiciary, who are desperate for the nation’s love and affection (at least our lot are); so decide to try and get some or all of them to take part. Obvious choice is male district judge who, it will be recalled, is smitten by court manager Jade. Have no doubt he will welcome opportunity to stand in front of camera with expensive shirt open to his not inconsiderable waist, his few remaining strands of hair flapping and oozing what he would no doubt describe as sex appeal but which to rest of world is only sweat. Mention this idea to him in passing during enforced lull in court action between Christmas and New Year when staff forget to unlock doors to public. DJ thinks it wonderful idea and immediately rings up telly office. He is no doubt now waiting to hear from Lilia, Karen, Erin etc and, in meantime, can be seen attempting to waltz around his room but in fact looks as if he has had too much to drink.
Wednesday
Lady DJ returns to work complaining that she is not mentioned in New Year’s honours list; as she is not normally given to humour, have to assume she is deadly serious. Also complaining how busy she was over Christmas: so many parties to go to, so many people to see, so many cards to read; she really must try and get to gym to recover what she refers to as her sylph-like figure, otherwise she may have to replace her entire wardrobe, and could it be that this increased weight has cost her her gong? Have no idea whether there is any truth in this nonsense but she does look as if there is more to her than there used to be. Overhear member of staff muttering that she, ie lady DJ, is probably pregnant, which, given her advanced age and present state of medical science, is highly improbable. Tell her that she certainly does appear to have put on weight and that in view of the publicity about obesity she ought to be careful as weight, once acquired, is difficult to lose—then leave her room quickly. Pleased to see that at lunchtime she disappears and returns (late), perspiring encouragingly, and clearly in no state to deal with any cases; so have pleasure in sending away all litigants, counsel, solicitors etc on grounds that DJ is indisposed, which will no doubt reach the ears of court manager Jade who never has any difficulty in retaining her sylph-like figure much to lady DJ’s annoyance.
Thursday
Although never take notice of said honours lists, am astonished to learn today that court manager Jade has been given one.
Appears that it is because she is youngest court
manager in world, or at least in court service. Have always thought that honours go to deserving recipients for lifetime achievements over and beyond call of duty, and not to teenagers barely out of school doing an easy job for which they receive far too much money. Apparently this all part of government plan to attract right sort of young person into exciting and challenging world of court management. Jade going around blushing prettily, saying it’s a team thing really and she doesn’t really deserve it (true) and she will accept it on behalf of all court staff everywhere etc. Hope she doesn’t expect me to go with her to wherever they go for these things. Only good thing about it is effect on lady DJ who now goes about with face like thunder and is even more impossible for litigants, lawyers and staff to deal with. Trouble is she daren’t take it out on Jade as she knows her to be blue-eyed girl who can do no wrong and court service bound to look after one of its own instead of semi-mad DJ.
Friday
Have not had cause to consider circuit judge Kevin recently as he has been behaving well and giving no cause for concern. However, as long suspected, he now announces that he is moving courts, and today is his last day. No one seems to care greatly so his wish for a merry send-off is unfulfilled. We are far more concerned about who will take his place. Trouble is that court service does not consult people who are really affected by such changes, namely us. Not sure how much CJ does anyway; this one always manages to go home early as most of his cases settle—he calls counsel in, tells them he’s read the papers and which side he thinks will win, and asks why don’t they go outside and settle? Hear rumour that to save money department may decide not to put full-time CJ in but rely on ancient retired part-timers—recorders etc—which would please me because such people know that only person they have to be nice to is the usher, otherwise they get no parking space, no food or drink and probably won’t get invited back again. So look forward to New Year with relish.
John Fortgang
